Invitation& Independence(part2)

Submitting to Jesus When Your Husband Does Not.

In Part 1, we introduced Nikki and the question of what it looks like to follow Jesus in a marriage with an unrepentantly domineering husband, who neither overtly threatens safety nor creates an environment of peace. We discussed that one aspect of following Jesus in this context is expressed in the concept of “invitation”-- having a demeanor which resists mistreatment in such a way that it invites him into a better kind of relationship. " Invitation" is a gracious movememnt towards him, an effort to seek his good and seek the improvement of the relationship without accepting or condonoing mistreatment.

If you missed that blog, I’d recommend clicking here to read it in conjunction with this on ( https://www.alabastersoulcare.org/post/invitation-independence-part-1). There is much to be said about how to navigate these situations wisely, but I’d like to add one small element to the equation, which I will refer to as “independence". In particular, I’ve heard many women who express confusion about what it looks like to submit to their husbands who have been unrepentant, unkind, and controlling. This questioning comes from an earnest desire to follow Jesus and to be a godly wife, which clashes with a hard reality that following their husbands “in everything” would lead to being overlooked at best or trampled at worst. Perhaps the endeavor to navigate this tension would be fortified by a biblical concept of “independence” – namely, that it is wise and Christlike to operate independently of your husband when your husband is not submitting himself to God and His ways.

We see an example of this in Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. Her husband Nabal (whose name means “fool”) is described as a “harsh” and “badly behaved” man, who stands in contrast to Abigail who Scripture describes as “discerning” and “beautiful.” One day, the anointed king David sends his servants to visit Nabal. He’s been taking care of Nabal’s shepherds and sends messengers to kindly request any food or supplies he can offer. In Nabal’s harshness, he “rails at” the king’s representatives, scoffing at them. He returns their honor with dishonor, their kindness with dismissal, their gentleness with harshness. This is no small offense.

David is outraged at Nabal’s response and mobilizes his men to kill Nabal and the men of the house (David is not responding wisely here either). When Abigail is told of Nabal’s actions, she recognizes the gravity of her husband’s contemptuous actions and understands that retribution is coming their way. There’s an apparent tension here: God calls wives to submit, but if Abigail follows Nabal “submissively,” it will be to the grave harm of the entire household. She is presented with a choice: should she silently follow her husband’s lead, or should she contradict him and present offerings to the king against her husband’s wishes? I think many women have come to believe that the former is always the answer, that it represents the submission that God calls wives to. But what if living out the role of a faithful wife is more nuanced, more diverse, and more surprising than simple, silent, non- contradicting obedience? What if biblical submission can be lived out while also upholding the biblical value of preserving and protecting life?

Let us continue observing Abigail’s example. Without telling her husband, she gathers a generous offering, sends her servants out before her, and then makes a beautiful and tactful plea to David to pardon her husband. Much could be said about her course of action and potent response, but at the minimum, we observe Abigail independently seeking to protect the lives of her household when her husband fails to do so. The story frames her actions in a positive light, commending her for her discernment. Robyn Huck describes her wisdom this way; “Abigail discerned a wiser course that actually achieved her husband’s godly mission (the wellbeing of his household) and the mission of David (remaining in good standing with God and the people).” [1] Huck identifies an important reality: God has set authorities in their position to accomplish His good purposes which, for husbands, includes working towards the well-being of his household. Notice that Abigail is actually being a good helper to her husband as she does goodness on behalf of her household when her husband fails to

do so.

Perhaps the theological framework for this independence is best understood from 1 Corinthians 11:13, "But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God" (ESV). We see here that God designed headship and submission in marriage to flow downwards from mutual, ultimate submission to God. When husbands love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” they act in submission to Jesus, according to the values and ways of His Kingdom. However, when husbands domineer and diminish their wives, they act contrary to Jesus, raising up their own kingdom against the Kingdom of the Prince of Peace. In such cases, what does it look like to be a “submissive” wife? I’d argue that the true heart of biblical submission lies in submitting to King Jesus, the higher authority, even when your husband does not. If a wife is to submit to Jesus when her husband is not, then she will sometimes have to contradict her husband and act independently of him, as Abigail exemplifies. So, a paradigm of biblical womanhood that does not have space for godly independence – that is to say, that does not have space for sometimes acting against the explicit desires and purposes of a husband acting foolishly – is misleading.

There is much left to say on this topic and much nuance left to clarify, but I will conclude with only two final comments. The first of these is that acting “independently” is not the same as acting antagonistically. It is not a crude, blanket dismissal of a husband’s leadership or desires. True independence maintains the heart of love which “is patient and kind... does not envy or boast...  is not arrogant or rude... does not insist on its own way... is not irritable or resentful... [and] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 4:5-6). Any version of “independence” which falls short of this loving, God-oriented posture is an impostor.

Second, I’d like to point out how 'invitation & independence' complement each other. The hopefulness, endurance, and winsomeness of invitation is complimented by the realism, surrender, and autonomy of independence. Together, they neither disengage the husband nor enmesh with him, neither give up hope for change nor ignore the hard reality, neither enable sin nor feign unity. When taken together, the principles of “invitation” and “independence” can challenge us past “doormat theology” into a Christlike, courageous humility which resolvedly conquers evil with good. Lastly, it simply must be stated that each situation is unique, and much wisdom and support are needed to navigate what it looks like to live this out in the particularities of your life. My heart goes out to any of you who find yourselves in a position to use such principles to navigate a challenging marriage, and I pray that Jesus would give you the wisdom, strength, and support that you need as you move forward. Thank you to the godly women who have exemplified the heart of Jesus in their marriages and who have taught me these two valuable words. 

Sources:

[1] Robyn Huck, “The Dreaded S-Word: Submission and the Abuse of Authority.” Journal of Biblical Counseling, vol. 30, no. 3, 2016, p. 62.