Invitation & Independence

NAVIGATING CHALLENGING MARRIAGES WITH WISDOM AND GRACE

Niki feels like she is almost always walking on eggshells around her husband, Matt. She knows exactly what behaviors, tones, postures, and ideas would set him off into an angry, yelling rant. These rants end with him brooding for days without talking to her. He does have moments of pleasantness and kindness, but Niki never feels true freedom to voice her thoughts with him. She’s learned to preemptively discard ideas and preferences that would clash with his. He will sometimes put her down, accuse her of moral failure, or criticize her, and sometimes follow these with, “Come on, loosen up, I’m only kidding!” He does not acknowledge sin or repent from it. She doesn’t feel like she’s ever really able to please him. She is not considering divorce or separation, but she also doesn’t know what it looks like to be a faithful wife in this marriage. 

Do you resonate with any part of Niki’s story? Sadly, I have known many women who do. Such situations raise numerous complex questions. I have often heard the question, “How can I be a good wife to him? Do I have to be a voiceless ‘yes man,’ who agrees with him on everything, since he explodes when I disagree? Do I have to fight back every time he’s being unfair and just deal with the consequences?” To the women I have worked with, neither of these has felt like a satisfying option. Both feel unsafe. However, little has been written to address these kinds of natural questions that pertain to navigating daily life with an angry husband. While more has been written on how to safely remove oneself from dangerous situations (and these are of great value),[1] few resources exist for marriages that are not severely abusive but that still have the presence of some unrepentant, oppressive behavior patterns from one party. This article is designed for those who feel that their home is safe and they are receiving the support they need, but still don’t know how to operate wisely in a way that both protects themselves and resists oppressive behaviors. A woman like Nikki taught me two words that help guide her as she seeks to follow Jesus in her marriage: invitation and independence. 

“Invitation” captures the essence of a posture that seeks to invite him into a better kind of relationship with you and with God. “Invitation” means seeking his ultimate good (though not necessarily what makes him happy). This is a heart posture that neither retaliates nor withdraws. Consider Jesus’s words, “But I say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39). At first glance, these words may appear to suggest that believers ought to continue to passively expose themselves to mistreatment. But when closely examining the context of this statement, a drastically different picture emerges. 

In Jesus’s day, a slap “on the right cheek” was not an image of assault, but of condescension. A back-handed slap would be used on the right cheek, less intended to injure but more intended to shame. A back-handed slap was a way of insulting people’s dignity and publicly shaming them. So, why would Jesus advise offering up the left cheek too? The team at the Bible Project describes that such a response “is a bold rejection of the insult itself.”[2]  It essentially says, If you’re going to rebuke me, treat me as an equal; I won’t quietly accept this disrespectful attempt to publicly shame me. The Bible Project team puts it this way, “This kind of action reshapes the relationship, pushing the adversary to either back down or to treat them as an equal.”[3] It is neither retaliatory nor passive in the face of mistreatment. It resists, but not “in kind” (not striking back in the same way that he did). Rather, it extends an invitation to a better relationship through tactful, unexpected, nonretaliatory resistance. It disrupts what the perpetrator is expecting, disarms him, exposes the injustice of the original action, and creates an opportunity for him to respond differently. For more elaboration on this passage, click here. 

The principles that Jesus expresses in this example are widely applicable to conflicts in the home. What could it look like to do the unexpected in response to insults in a way that stops him in his tracks? How can you resist his wrongdoing without doing wrong to him in return? What could it look like to respond in a way that tactfully acknowledges a wrongdoing, exposing that it was unacceptable, while inviting him to treat you with respect instead? One wise, godly woman that I know sometimes responds to her husband’s increasing anger with comments such as, “I want to have this conversation, but not if you continue to treat me disrespectfully. I will be removing myself, but will be open to talking later once you have calmed down.” Notice how she recognizes that disrespectful speech won’t be tolerated, and doesn’t speak back to him “in kind,” thus extending an invitation for a better kind of conversation – an invitation he may or may not receive. In this way, she offers up her left cheek, extending the opportunity to treat her with respect. Notice how her heart posture firmly resists injustice while being permeated with mercy. She’s engaging him in a way that limits the harmful behavior and creates an opportunity for him to acknowledge wrongdoing and change, even if he does not take the opportunity. This is the heart of the invitation.

Take Matt and his wife Jan, who are working on hanging a painting together. Phil does some math to try to center the canvas on the wall, and Jan notices an error and corrects it. “No, that length divided by two is actually 27 inches, not 25.” Phil rolls his eyes, scoffs, and snaps at her, “You’ve just always thought you’re so much better than me since you went to college and love every opportunity to show it, don’t you?” He’s gearing up to unload several other grievances that are suddenly coming to mind and is not very interested in understanding Jan’s side of things. She’s a little surprised that he received her comment this way, but this kind of response happens often, and she has heard this accusation many times before. Whenever she’s reflected on her heart and received outside input, she has considered the accusation to be very untrue and unfair. Usually, she would try to persuade him that this is not true, and he would take the opportunity to bring up more things about her that bother him. This time, she changes the script. “I don’t want to be prideful or for you to feel lesser-than. I think that with teamwork, we can hang this up successfully.” Phil was expecting a defense, but he’s given pause by her response. She neither agrees with him (by apologizing for something untrue), nor defends herself (which historically only opens the door to more attacks). He stepped into the boxing ring, but she didn’t follow. This is tactful, unexpected, nonretaliatory resistance. 

What constitutes such a response in your context may be completely different. Perhaps in your case, responding like Jan would not shut down the attack, but create an opportunity for further mistreatment. Invitational responses are far from one-size-fits-all. Much wisdom and creativity are needed to take Jesus’ principle and apply it in unique situations.

These kinds of invitational responses are difficult on many levels. If your emotions feel uncontrollable in conflict, a wise step may be to start by receiving help to maintain composure and regulate emotions before trying to implement these new responses. Additionally, you know the level of safety you have with this person. If you feel that it is unsafe to try any kind of resistance, do not try it. If your conflicts escalate to violence, receive help to navigate your relationship safely. Sometimes, "invitation” looks like seeking your safety by separating yourself. Even in marriages that do not escalate to physical violence, it may be wise to have an exit plan if his insults, yelling, or other harmful behaviors do not cease (or escalate) in response to your invitational resistance. 

If you are navigating a relationship that regularly leaves you feeling powerless and crushed, know that God sees you in this and is near to help. One of the primary ways that His help is available to you is through the Church. Any efforts to navigate wisely and safely will be greatly enhanced by the support of a trusted person, whether this is a wise friend, pastor, family member, or counselor. With the help of the Holy Spirit and all your riches in Christ, you will be girded up with what you need to navigate your marriage wisely.

In Part 2, we will discuss the second, complementary principle of “independence.” If “invitation” captures a courageous movement towards him, then “independence” captures a faithful move away from him. Both of these can exist together and represent different expressions of wisdom and resistance to evil, which will be explored further in Part 2.

Footnotes:

[1]Safety is a high priority, and a godly one. If you are concerned for your safety or your children’s safety, or you are wondering whether you are able to hold up under the pressure from an oppressive relationship, please seek help with the following resources:

Domestic Violence Hotline: ttps://www.thehotline.org/  Shelters near you: https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/directory-of-local-providers/?service=shelter (Book) Domestic Abuse: Help for the Sufferer  https://www.ccef.org/book/domestic-abuse-help-for-the-sufferer Find a Counselor: https://partners.biblicalcc.org/counselor-map/

[2]“What Jesus Meant By ‘Turn the Other Cheek’ in Matthew 5:39,” https://bibleproject.com/articles/what-jesus-meant-turn-other-cheek-matthew-539/

[3]“What Jesus Meant By ‘Turn the Other Cheek’ in Matthew 5:39,” https://bibleproject.com/articles/what-jesus-meant-turn-other-cheek-matthew-539/