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ABUSE AND HEALING

Writer's picture: Samuel BoppuriSamuel Boppuri

Updated: Jan 10



For You Lord have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living - Psalm 116:8-9.
For You Lord have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living - Psalm 116:8-9.

Disclaimer:

Though much ink can be spilled on abuse and healing, this article only offers a brief introduction. For further study, see the recommended reading list at the end of the article.   


Shalini's Story           


Shalini and her husband Narendra are members of a Bible-believing church. They have two beautiful children. They always seem joyful, thankful, and peaceful. However, you have noticed that Shalini has become quieter lately and no longer stays for fellowship after Sunday morning service. After several efforts to reach out to her, you made an appointment to meet with her at a coffee shop. She looked nervous, and after a few minutes of awkward silence, she began to tell you that her husband was abusing her. On the one hand, you do not want to minimize the suffering she is going through or cast doubt on what she is saying. You need to ask yourself, "What would Jesus have done if she had approached him in her utter helplessness?" On the other hand, how do you navigate the complex issue of defining abuse biblically?

 

What is Abuse?


Defining abuse can be challenging because of the complexity of its nature. ‘Complexity’ in abuse cases is not an excuse to avoid the situation but requires a careful understanding of both the person and the circumstances. It is important to recognize that, in abuse cases, the interpretation of both the abused and the abuser is warped for various reasons. The abused may begin to believe what the abuser repeatedly uses to brainwash her with phrases such as "You're nothing" or "You are worth nothing." And, the abuser thinks that he has every right to say and act whatever he desires.

 

Some say that physical abuse in marriage is bad and must be dealt with seriously. But verbal abuse and emotional abuse are mere social constructs of secular ideology. However, such sentiments do not hold water when we search the Bible deeply. The Bible is replete with descriptions of abuse, though the word, ‘abuse’ is not mentioned. If you search for the word, 'trinity', you will never find it. Similarly, the best way to understand abuse in the Bible is not to look for the word 'abuse' or similar terms but to look at the concept from different doctrinal lenses such as creation, hope, transgression, judgment, kingdom, shalom, law, justice, deliverance, atonement, mercy, holiness, rest, etc.[1]  

 

Abuse is a reversal of what love is ( 1 Corinthians 13). Abuse is not just a misuse of authority, but it is the exertion of authority over someone weaker with the sole aim of diminishing the personhood to gratify his distorted desires. It presents the direct reversals of implications of the gospel ( Matt 22:37-40, Luke 17:1-2, Mark 10:42-45 ). This is how Kieth Evans defines abuse, “A pattern of behavior in any relationship that one partner uses to gain or maintain power and control over another partner.” Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson give two foundational identifiers : (1) the manipulative intent and behavioral forcefulness of the one in a position of influence, and (2) the diminishing effect on those under his influence.”  

 

Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson distinguish selfish behavior from abusive behavior by calling them 'Me Before You' versus 'Me Over You'[2]. The ‘Me Before You’ mentality centers around the self. It is competing with the other person. And, God rejects such behavior as it is the opposite of love. ‘Me Before You’ behavior involves sins of selfishness, rivalry, envy, slander, insults, etc (Matt. 5:21-24; Gal. 5:26; 1 Pet. 2:1). These sins, as bad as they are – the sins of misuse, not abuse.


Jeremy Pierre & Greg Wilson say, “ Abuse is any diminishing of an individual’s God-given capacities of personhood, including their ability to perceive rightly. Thus, abuse dynamics can occur without ever laying a finger on another person.”[3]. Abuse is a targeted attack (physical, emotional, and psychological) on the weaker person to gain control to gratify his desires. He is never satisfied, constantly belittling and blaming his wife. If his temper is flaring, it is because his wife wore an ugly dress[4]. If his car crashes, it is because his wife was running late. If their three-year old gets fever, she gets a lecture the entire night.


There are varying levels of abuse. The abuser begins with intimidation and manipulation in the initial stages but as time progresses, he becomes more brazen in his actions. The abuser never admits that he is wrong. Even if he does it, his remorse lasts only for a little while. The two big identifiers in abuse cases are forcefulness and persistence.

 

Forms of Abuse

 

Following are different forms of abuse defined by Kieth Evans.[5]


1.  Emotional Abuse: “Emotional abuse, which can also be categorized as mental, verbal, or psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior that promotes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt  in a victim.”

2.   Physical Abuse - “Physical abuse involves intentionally or recklessly using physical force in a way that may result in bodily injury or physical pain. It also includes actions that lead to harm—such as refusing someone sleep or medical care.”

3.   Sexual Abuse: “Marital sexual abuse is a broad term that can encompass many heinous and exploitive acts. The worst violations occur when sex is demanded, required, or taken by force—as in instances of rape or forced sex acts.”


 Responding to Abuse - HEALING

Abuse cases are to be treated more seriously than solving marriage problems. This is not the time for marriage counseling. When abuse patterns are established, a lack of repentance becomes evident, the more it is delayed to help, the more the victim gets abused. So our response is not to produce repentance which we cannot ( 2 Timothy 2:25, Acts 11:18) but to help the abused. [6]

A.    Supporting victims is a team effort (1 Corinthians 12:12 -30, Romans 12:15). If the Local churches are not proactive in addressing this issue, they will bring disgrace to the name of Jesus Christ - the One who came to save that which is lost.

B.   Safety of the victims.

C.   Listen.

D.    Report (if you suspect harm to the victim or the children or disabled in the family).

E.    Support the victim ( meeting basic needs, a safe place to stay if needed, etc).

F.   Individual Counseling - A proper plan must be set in place to provide counseling for both the abused and the abuser.

G.   Helping the Abuser to see his abusive patterns ( confrontation & Engagement).

H.     Discipleship and Accountability to the Abuser.

I.   Reconciliation to God.

J.  Reconciliation in Marriage ( when both parties agree and when repentance is established).



 Recommended Reading:


1.     When Home Hurts by Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson

2.     Is it Abuse ? by Darby Strickland.

3.     Caring For Families Caught in Domestic Abuse by Chris Moles.

 

 


[1] Pierre, Jeremy; Wilson, Greg. When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church (p. 37). Christian Focus Publications. Kindle Edition.

[2] Pierre, Jeremy; Wilson, Greg. When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church (p. 70). Christian Focus Publications. Kindle Edition.

[3] Darby A. Strickland, Is It Abuse? (Phillipsburg, New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 2020), 141.

[4] Darby A. Strickland, Is It Abuse? (Phillipsburg, New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 2020), 141.

[5] These definitions were given in a 'Typical Problems' class lecture at Reformed Theological Seminary, Charlotte by Kieth Evans.

[4] Pierre, Jeremy; Wilson, Greg. When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church (p. 74). Christian Focus Publications. Kindle Edition.

[5] All these points are taken from the book ‘ When Home Hurts”.

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